It is 5:30 in the a.m. and I am curing a screen, about to drive it to the local car wash to try and power wash it through, because this is the 4th set screen and 4th goddamn attempt and if the methods I have tried so far are still futile then yes I will need to adapt and improvise.
It is 5:30 a.m. and the same fear is slowly growing in me. The terror, I should clarify.
When she came down on the weekend of my sister’s wedding, (had I mentioned that?) I got night sweats. Twice in the middle of the night I found myself completely drenched in what my immediate fear was nocturia- before realizing the total body extent of my expressed anxiety.
I feel it in me already
Like little AJ wailing incessantly
Succumbed to separation anxiety.
I can’t divine whether the level of honesty I excrete on here could be considered as valorous as it can be qualified infantile. There again by my conundrum, “But it reads a little desperate. Like you’re gasping for air and swallowing pride.”
“…Absolutely. You don’t write like a scorned lover. There is a tenderness.”
And maybe that’s enough.
So long as this is never read with mal intent,
that all these lacerations are inwards facing,
barbed jabs to keep you out
like giant two story black and yellow Caution signs
trying to maintain the strictest, starkest
black and white communication
that this hurts.
I don’t think I like this pain. I think it’s fair to say (and agree) that whatever relationship she and I have was a heavily twisted one, that began from an abused power mechanic in it’s infancy that has warped to longstanding emotional S&M game a decade long.
It can very much be argued I bring it on to myself (for the sake of the human condition!), yes I do believe all power exists and resides in me to make positive change; & i think (know) that’s where the terror stems, facing that irrefutable, how absolutely broke we are.
& I wish we weren’t
& I know we won’t be forever.
I’m counting on it.
can we not just end the book here?
how many times this kid gonna break his own heart
no, the rest is just epilogue really.
it actually ended quite a while back.
hmmm/ guess all those tapes are non-canon.
i don’t know
and who’s got the energy
to want to know?
just let them rest in peace.