I feel like I’m losing it (and these are not comforting thoughts but maybe to someone else out there they might be), I feel like I’m losing it and have lost it. I keep joking externally that I’m needing a second wind to life but it is becoming slowly troublingly true. I know it’s stress, I know it’s the end of school, I know its the end of a lot of things and everything, and this whole top-down paranoia on the world stage is eating away at me too. I shouldn’t blame it on that, I should look at the positive, I should look at the immediate, I should look at who’s texting me right here and now and not worry about the consequences. But my life is all consequences, and it’s a terrible way to live.
I’m working on my last drawing project and it’s stressing me the fuck out. I’ve got nothing, but a deadline fast approaching and absolute zero-zapped! confidence left in my skills. I have no voice through my lines, and my pen has become slowly suffocated;; again, I feel I am losing it.
School is over and there are no more assignments to life. There’s no one over me telling me how to think and where to go, what to do nor how. I’m completely rudderless and alone in a way I keep telling myself I’m preparing for: but I prepared myself entirely on the merits of big thinking and being a good person, and again, I feel I am losing it.
What good am I?
And this is a sentiment no one wants to hear from a friend but I am struggling and this is bad and spinning out of my own control and that is fearful but I know
I know this is temporary.
I know I’ll get through this & I know this is a passing madness
and I know in ten years I’ll look back and smile at the poor kid wrestling about in me;
I know I should let go of a lot of things and I know what toxicity tastes like.
But we all go through this and I know It’s me now but could be you next;
And if there’s anything I could say to you at times like these when the whole world is slow crashing in
I just hope to say it’s not your fault.
No one of us can hold this world alone;
and you oughta quit trying.
I don’t feel right on here anymore, not for now at least.
I’ve lost everything. My window got smashed into (again.) and it’s all gone.
I was the family archivist, and now that’s all gone.
I lost all my writings.
I lost all my designs.
I lost every sweet and awful thing I’d thought and said for the past five years.
I feel wiped out.
And I have a very busy work schedule I keep avoiding.
I have responsibilities I keep avoiding.
I have bills and debts to pay,
I’ve got a company that needs my efforts.
& this place just feels so haunted now.
I’ve got nothing left to say for a while but didn’t feel right to say nothing at all.
“season 2” will unlock half of what of I’ve hidden.
The other half you’d have to earn.